Theories & Queeries #30

[00:00:03] Hello and welcome to Say Podcast and Die. It's the podcast where two queers sit in their closet and talk to you about goosebumps. I bet you thought we forgot about you this week, but we didn't. No, we just had end of the year things, finals and a sick child. Yeah, man, that was a lot. It's been a busy week. It was, you know, a whole lot of surprises one after the other, but not as surprising as we are about to get with, give yourself goosebumps. You would think we'd be doing the next one.

[00:00:33] We haven't done in the consecutive series that we've done, but no, we happen to have on paper number 12, Welcome to the Wicked Wax Museum.

[00:00:43] And we will be back with Who's Your Mummy and some other stuff in the new year.

[00:00:49] Yeah, and you know, at some point we are going to go back and fill in the rest of these reader, beware, you choose the scares. But today I just didn't want to open up another tab and be fussing around with trying to navigate archive.org, bless their souls.

[00:01:01] So that's what we're doing. Cool. Oh, man, what do you think of this cover?

[00:01:06] I've missed these sparkly ones. It's not a mirror, Alyssa, just so you know. I know it could be confusing.

[00:01:11] Oh, yeah, there's this goth lady on it. I don't have as long of nails as she does, but she's got a cool skull choker and like a lacy black dress and like sort of Morticia Adams hair and makeup.

[00:01:22] Yep. I'm very into this. In the background, she's got some busts. One of them is like just like a guy with pecs and no arms and one looks like it's Bride of Frankenstein.

[00:01:32] Yeah, this is I think Alyssa's drag look potentially.

[00:01:35] Yeah.

[00:01:36] You know what her name is?

[00:01:38] No.

[00:01:38] Sybil Wicked.

[00:01:40] Huh!

[00:01:40] Isn't that cool?

[00:01:41] Yeah.

[00:01:41] I hope we get to meet her.

[00:01:42] That also does sound like a drag name.

[00:01:43] Well, and it could even be a drag duo because it says here she has her name is Sybil Wicked and she has her skull face servant Axel.

[00:01:53] I feel like I could be Axel, but I haven't seen yet what he looks like, but we'll see.

[00:01:58] Okay. So are you ready?

[00:02:00] I am.

[00:02:01] All right.

[00:02:02] I'm ready to not be given very many meaningful choices.

[00:02:06] Well, we'll just see. This book has a strong start.

[00:02:10] I'm here for it.

[00:02:11] You ready?

[00:02:11] Uh-huh.

[00:02:12] Cool!

[00:02:15] Cool! You exclaimed your best friends Liz and Jake.

[00:02:18] The field trip to the Wicked Wax Museum is today.

[00:02:21] What's actually called?

[00:02:22] Do you think it's in Massachusetts?

[00:02:23] Absolutely.

[00:02:24] I can't believe our class gets to see it the day before the grand opening.

[00:02:28] Finally, Mr. Dunning's history class won't be such a bore, Jake adds.

[00:02:32] Because I guess Jake is from like a period piece.

[00:02:34] Such a bore.

[00:02:37] Flipping his black baseball cap around backwards.

[00:02:40] This is...

[00:02:40] Sorry, I'm just thinking this is one of those things where the teacher is like,

[00:02:43] I just need a break.

[00:02:45] Let's go to the wax museum.

[00:02:46] We'll just say it's for history.

[00:02:47] It's fine. It's fine.

[00:02:48] Have you ever been to a wax museum?

[00:02:50] I was going to ask you the same question.

[00:02:51] I don't think that I have.

[00:02:53] I've been to...

[00:02:54] Maybe there was a Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas or something that I've been to.

[00:02:58] Oh, cool.

[00:02:59] I have been to one in Newport, Oregon.

[00:03:01] It was so cool.

[00:03:03] But I mean, I was six.

[00:03:04] But when I was six, there was like this whole lineup where there was an undersea museum where

[00:03:08] you saw people diving with octopuses and stuff.

[00:03:10] And then there was Ripley's Believe It or Not.

[00:03:14] And then there was a wax museum.

[00:03:15] And we hit them all up.

[00:03:16] And it was one of the most memorable days of like 1994 for me.

[00:03:20] We had a Ripley's Believe It or Not too.

[00:03:23] Yeah.

[00:03:24] They're cool.

[00:03:25] I also, you know, I don't know if this is relevant, but I have seen House of Wax starring

[00:03:30] Paris Hilton.

[00:03:31] So I feel very well prepared.

[00:03:32] I have too.

[00:03:32] Yeah.

[00:03:33] With you.

[00:03:33] With me.

[00:03:34] Well, the thing about wax museums and Ripley's Believe It or Not is I feel like if you are

[00:03:38] someone who someday is going to go like really deep into upsetting threads on Wikipedia

[00:03:42] about strange deaths and serial killers, it's like your first intro to that.

[00:03:48] Because it always has some weird shit.

[00:03:49] I'm just imagining the algorithm.

[00:03:51] Because you visited wax museum, you may also like.

[00:03:54] Right.

[00:03:54] Exactly.

[00:03:55] Okay.

[00:03:56] I have a question for you, though.

[00:03:57] Okay.

[00:03:58] If your teacher's Mr. Dunning and you want to make fun of him, what would you like say?

[00:04:03] Dumbing.

[00:04:04] Yeah.

[00:04:05] Right.

[00:04:05] Something better than Mr. Dunning.

[00:04:09] More like Mr. Dull.

[00:04:11] No.

[00:04:12] Try harder.

[00:04:13] You said it, Liz Giggles.

[00:04:15] Her red curls bounce when she laughs.

[00:04:18] Do your curls bounce when you laugh?

[00:04:19] You tell me.

[00:04:20] I've never.

[00:04:21] I think they just stay on your head.

[00:04:24] My curls aren't whimsical.

[00:04:27] Hey, why is it called the Wicked Wax Museum anyway?

[00:04:30] That's the name of the guy who owns it.

[00:04:31] I wasn't expecting surprises already.

[00:04:33] Mr. Wicked.

[00:04:34] Yeah.

[00:04:35] Dr. Izzy Wicked.

[00:04:36] Oh, how timely.

[00:04:38] Dr. Izzy Wicked.

[00:04:39] Oh, shit.

[00:04:40] You're right.

[00:04:40] I'm dumb.

[00:04:41] Izzy Wicked.

[00:04:43] It has a question at its core.

[00:04:45] It's just like, you know, the recent film smash hit, the question, Izzy Wicked.

[00:04:54] You know what I'm talking about?

[00:04:55] Are you staring at me like I'm an idiot?

[00:04:56] I don't know if it's because I'm being stupid or because you don't know I'm talking about Wicked.

[00:05:00] The movie.

[00:05:00] Yeah.

[00:05:01] No, I know.

[00:05:01] We were talking about the movie Wicked.

[00:05:02] Did they specifically ask the question, is he wicked?

[00:05:05] No, it just says Dr. Izzy Wicked.

[00:05:07] Yeah.

[00:05:08] No, I know.

[00:05:08] I assume you picked this book because we had recently seen the movie Wicked.

[00:05:11] No, I picked it up because it was the next one we had a paper copy of.

[00:05:14] Okay, let's go.

[00:05:15] He made all the wax figures.

[00:05:16] Well, according to Mr. Dull, Liz adds, the museum is supposed to bring history to life for us or something like that.

[00:05:22] Yeah, right, Jake smirks.

[00:05:24] And maybe the wax figures will come to life too.

[00:05:27] Sorry, Liz, I feel like is doing the thing of, I excitedly read the brochure where they said this, but oh, I'm actually pretending to be too cool.

[00:05:33] I really didn't do that.

[00:05:34] Oh, yeah.

[00:05:34] It'd be so embarrassing if history came to life for us.

[00:05:37] Secretly.

[00:05:38] So jazzed.

[00:05:40] Oh, gross, Liz cries.

[00:05:41] You're giving me the creeps, Jake.

[00:05:43] Come on, you two, you say.

[00:05:45] The bus is here.

[00:05:46] Let's be first in line so we can grab the back seats.

[00:05:48] You must be a cool kid.

[00:05:50] Go to page two.

[00:05:51] On the bus, you rush to the back.

[00:05:53] You and Liz take a two-seater.

[00:05:55] Jake sits alone across the aisle with his red sneakered feet on the seat.

[00:05:58] Now no one else can sit there.

[00:06:00] Jerk.

[00:06:01] Mm-hmm.

[00:06:03] Jake leans back.

[00:06:04] His chin-length brown hair falls.

[00:06:06] Ooh.

[00:06:06] Mm.

[00:06:06] That's interesting.

[00:06:07] Yeah.

[00:06:08] Falls over the top of the seat.

[00:06:10] Let's get this crate rolling, he mutters.

[00:06:15] All right, people.

[00:06:16] Jake's really trying hard to work out his tough guy persona.

[00:06:20] With his little bob, with his page boy.

[00:06:22] Yeah.

[00:06:22] I feel like he's trying really hard to be mask here.

[00:06:27] All right, people.

[00:06:28] Mr. Dunning shouts from the front of the bus.

[00:06:30] Thanks to my personal donation to the museum.

[00:06:33] Huh.

[00:06:33] Huh.

[00:06:34] We get to see the place before it opens to the public tomorrow.

[00:06:37] The teacher does one last head count.

[00:06:39] All right, Sal, he says to the driver.

[00:06:41] We're all here.

[00:06:42] Let's go.

[00:06:43] As soon as the bus starts moving, Jake presses his nose and open lips flat against the window for the viewing pleasure of the other people on the road.

[00:06:50] Then he breathes on the window and writes in the steam, honk if you hate history.

[00:06:56] That's a lot of writing.

[00:06:57] And also it's going to fade.

[00:06:58] I'm also just thinking about how gross that is that you're putting your mouth on the window.

[00:07:03] It's like not really a…

[00:07:04] Not been cleaned lately, I'm sure.

[00:07:05] Yeah.

[00:07:05] It's like you're mostly just hurting yourself.

[00:07:07] Honk if you hate history.

[00:07:09] Would you honk?

[00:07:10] No.

[00:07:10] I mean, I don't think I'd be reading the sight of a school bus.

[00:07:13] I'd be trying to not look at children.

[00:07:14] There…

[00:07:16] Which is hard when you're a parent.

[00:07:18] Well, I guess just would you honk though?

[00:07:21] No.

[00:07:22] Do you hate…

[00:07:23] Because there are parts of history I hate.

[00:07:25] In general, I like the concept of history.

[00:07:27] Okay.

[00:07:28] What do you think Dunning's ties are to this museum that he made this large personal donation to?

[00:07:32] Yeah.

[00:07:33] As soon as you said that, I thought, well, maybe he has some sort of financial stake in the museum

[00:07:38] or maybe he's paying them off to get a kid or two lost in there.

[00:07:43] Yeah.

[00:07:43] That's what I was wondering.

[00:07:43] Is it like full of bodies that can people buy in to have…

[00:07:47] You know, I'm assuming this must be going in a like bodies covered in wax type of a deal.

[00:07:51] Yeah.

[00:07:52] Or like, oh, you can disappear.

[00:07:53] They'll just think you're a wax figure.

[00:07:55] Right.

[00:07:55] Honk.

[00:07:56] You say laughing.

[00:07:58] Honk, honk.

[00:07:59] Liz adds.

[00:08:00] Oh, I'm a goose.

[00:08:01] Yeah.

[00:08:01] You know what's the goose game called?

[00:08:03] Untitled goose game.

[00:08:04] Untitled goose game.

[00:08:05] That's what they're prefiguring.

[00:08:07] You and Liz are honking so loud.

[00:08:09] You don't see Mr. Dunning coming down the aisle.

[00:08:11] He looks mad.

[00:08:12] I really feel for Mr. Dunning at this point.

[00:08:15] Yeah.

[00:08:16] I feel like kids honking on a bus, though, is one of those things where I'm going to tune this out

[00:08:20] until we're in a place where it matters.

[00:08:22] It's not the worst sound they could be making.

[00:08:24] That's enough out of you three.

[00:08:26] You're always making trouble, the red-faced Mr. Dunning sputters.

[00:08:28] If you hate history so much, you can just wait for the rest of us in the lobby.

[00:08:32] Oh, brother, you groan.

[00:08:33] There goes our fun.

[00:08:35] Minutes later, the bus pulls up to a stone building.

[00:08:38] Mr. Dunning leads the class out into the lobby of the Wicked Wax Museum.

[00:08:42] A scowling woman in a purple turban and gold bracelet sits inside the ticket booth.

[00:08:46] These three students will not be going in, Mr. Dunning tells her.

[00:08:49] Oh, he's got a short fuse.

[00:08:51] Yeah, really.

[00:08:52] Like, he wrote Honk If You Hate History, but it was in steam.

[00:08:55] He has to be just going up to the window the entire ride going,

[00:08:59] so that anyone can see it.

[00:09:01] I know.

[00:09:02] Bring it.

[00:09:02] Like, don't you have paper?

[00:09:03] Come on, kid.

[00:09:05] And also, I don't really know what Mr. Dunning was so angry about.

[00:09:09] So he turns to you, Jake, and Liz, and points to a bench by the wall.

[00:09:12] Sit there, you little monsters.

[00:09:14] And you'd better...

[00:09:15] Yeah.

[00:09:16] I know.

[00:09:17] You'd better still be sitting there when I come back.

[00:09:19] The class leaves you behind as they enter the hall of historical exhibits.

[00:09:23] A red door closes after them.

[00:09:25] A red door.

[00:09:26] Like in that song.

[00:09:28] Yeah.

[00:09:29] Jake manages to sit still for a few minutes.

[00:09:31] Then he jumps up and says,

[00:09:32] I think it's time for us to take a little tour of our own.

[00:09:36] You know, my dad said that the song, and I'm sure this can't be right,

[00:09:40] the song where they're like, I see a red door, I want it painted black.

[00:09:43] He says, well, that's because at the Episcopal Church,

[00:09:46] when they haven't paid off their loan yet for...

[00:09:49] Is this true?

[00:09:50] I've heard people say that, but I have no idea if it's true.

[00:09:52] I thought it was like my dad just coming up with stuff.

[00:09:54] I mean, it is a thing I have heard people share around,

[00:09:58] and I have never checked whether or not it is the correct theory of

[00:10:00] why that song is about painted black.

[00:10:03] I wonder if it's the Boomer Generations version of Marilyn Manson's ribs.

[00:10:08] All right, page 75.

[00:10:11] Jake, don't!

[00:10:12] You whisper loudly as he disappears through the red door.

[00:10:15] You glance at the ticket lady.

[00:10:16] She's busy with something in the booth.

[00:10:18] Jake!

[00:10:18] You call again.

[00:10:19] We're in enough trouble already.

[00:10:21] I'm drawing a lot of attention to myself.

[00:10:23] I just don't know what...

[00:10:24] Are they in trouble?

[00:10:25] They're just sitting on a bench.

[00:10:26] Yeah.

[00:10:27] You jump up from the bench and try to grab the door before it closes.

[00:10:30] Too late.

[00:10:31] The red door slams in your face.

[00:10:33] Hey, open up!

[00:10:34] You hear Jake yelling through the door.

[00:10:35] He rattles the knob.

[00:10:36] Help!

[00:10:37] He cries.

[00:10:38] It's locked from the inside.

[00:10:39] Apparently.

[00:10:40] Liz leaps up to help you push the door open.

[00:10:42] It won't budge.

[00:10:43] Is it a pole door?

[00:10:44] Is it the far side?

[00:10:46] I had that trouble today, honestly.

[00:10:48] Trying to leave...

[00:10:49] What was it?

[00:10:50] The Guitar Center in...

[00:10:52] On 14th Street.

[00:10:53] It was just the most confusing doors I've ever seen in my life.

[00:10:57] It can be a real struggle.

[00:11:00] Ha ha, funny.

[00:11:01] Stop kidding around, Jake.

[00:11:02] She scolds.

[00:11:03] Help!

[00:11:04] Jake screams again.

[00:11:05] He really does sound scared.

[00:11:06] Then you hear a whirr.

[00:11:08] Like a motor starting up.

[00:11:09] A click of gears mingles with Jake's cries.

[00:11:12] Jake!

[00:11:12] You shout.

[00:11:13] There's no answer.

[00:11:14] You press your ear against the door and listen.

[00:11:16] I think something is really wrong.

[00:11:18] You whisper to Liz.

[00:11:19] His cries are getting farther away.

[00:11:20] We have to get in.

[00:11:21] You shake the door handle and give one last push.

[00:11:24] Suddenly, the door opens easily.

[00:11:26] Darkness greets you both.

[00:11:28] Darkness and the loud whirring of a motor.

[00:11:30] No sign of Jake.

[00:11:32] If you go in after Jake, turn to page 30.

[00:11:34] If you decide to get help first, go to page 111.

[00:11:37] But hurry!

[00:11:39] No, no.

[00:11:40] Just go after Jake.

[00:11:41] All right.

[00:11:42] I feel like the woman who's taking tickets...

[00:11:43] Like, they're not open.

[00:11:44] So she's just sitting there.

[00:11:46] She came in specifically to meet these people.

[00:11:48] And then she's like, I'm on break.

[00:11:50] Go fuck yourself.

[00:11:51] I think she's de facto in charge of those children.

[00:11:55] She didn't ask for that.

[00:11:56] I know.

[00:11:56] But I feel like whatever age they are is probably an age where you still need, you know, a certain

[00:12:01] ratio of teacher presence, adult presence.

[00:12:03] I still think the person in charge of them is the teacher who left them there.

[00:12:07] Yeah.

[00:12:08] Sorry.

[00:12:08] My head is all going to, like, tort liability.

[00:12:12] Okay.

[00:12:12] Okay.

[00:12:13] Let's go to page 30.

[00:12:16] No time to lose.

[00:12:17] Jake needs your help.

[00:12:18] I mean, you're kind of assuming.

[00:12:20] Yeah.

[00:12:20] I guess he did yell help.

[00:12:21] Yeah.

[00:12:22] He could also be fucking with us.

[00:12:23] You step into darkness.

[00:12:24] Liz clutches your arm.

[00:12:26] Sounds like it's about to get spicy.

[00:12:28] I don't like that motor sound, she stammers.

[00:12:31] We don't like it either.

[00:12:32] But it's too late to turn back now.

[00:12:34] A heavy red door slams shut behind you.

[00:12:36] A thick bolt slides into place on its own.

[00:12:38] Actually, you know Liz is supposed to be, like, a hottie because she has red hair and that's

[00:12:41] R.L. Stine's whole thing.

[00:12:42] It's true.

[00:12:43] That's true.

[00:12:44] Bouncing while she laughs.

[00:12:47] You're locked in.

[00:12:48] Slowly your eyes adjust to the strange red light that fills the room.

[00:12:51] Then you see what's making the motor sound.

[00:12:54] Ahead of you, a conveyor belt moves slowly through a velvet streamer opening into a black

[00:12:58] tunnel.

[00:12:59] It reminds you of those luggage carousels at the airport.

[00:13:02] But there are, you know, it's funny.

[00:13:04] A lot of technology references in these books are outdated, but that is one that has remained

[00:13:08] unchanged for as far back as human imagination, I think.

[00:13:13] A lot of stuff in airplanes and airports.

[00:13:15] They're like, eh, we don't need to improve on this.

[00:13:16] We'll just keep shoveling people through.

[00:13:19] Yeah.

[00:13:20] Like keeping the doors on the planes and stuff.

[00:13:23] It reminds you of those.

[00:13:25] Oh, yeah.

[00:13:25] But there are no suitcases on this conveyor belt.

[00:13:28] Instead, there's a body.

[00:13:29] Jake's.

[00:13:30] And it's moving slowly away from you.

[00:13:32] His red sneakers are disappearing into the tunnel.

[00:13:35] There's a lot of red imagery in this.

[00:13:37] Then you notice something else.

[00:13:38] Out of the corner of your eye, you see something move.

[00:13:40] Across the room.

[00:13:41] It's only a shadow, but there's definitely something there.

[00:13:44] What is it?

[00:13:45] If you want to find out what's moving through the shadows, turn to page 93.

[00:13:49] If you ignore it and just go after Jake, turn to page 18.

[00:13:52] I'm going to go after Jake.

[00:13:53] Oh.

[00:13:56] Jake, you shout.

[00:13:57] You lunge to pull him back by his feet.

[00:13:59] Before you can grab his sneaker, a steel door slams down over the opening.

[00:14:03] You pull your hands back just in time.

[00:14:05] Kneeling on the low platform in front of the conveyor belt, you bang on the steel door.

[00:14:09] Jake, you shout again.

[00:14:11] The door slides up.

[00:14:12] The conveyor belt starts moving forward.

[00:14:14] You're so startled you lose your balance.

[00:14:15] Splat.

[00:14:17] Splat.

[00:14:17] Guess what happened?

[00:14:19] Did I trip?

[00:14:20] Yes.

[00:14:21] When I first read that, I thought it was going to be like you got bisected by that slamming

[00:14:25] door.

[00:14:25] Like, you know when you have to like jump through the thing on a platform game and you have

[00:14:28] to like time it?

[00:14:29] You fall flat on your face.

[00:14:31] You're on the belt.

[00:14:32] Liz, you cry in terror.

[00:14:33] Get me off this thing.

[00:14:35] Liz jumps up onto the belt.

[00:14:36] Is there a reason I can't stand up or just roll off it?

[00:14:39] Yeah.

[00:14:40] I mean, now she's on it too.

[00:14:42] So you would think there must be a way to get back down if she jumped up to help him get

[00:14:46] whatever.

[00:14:46] I guess I'm assuming you're a boy.

[00:14:48] Oh, you think a girl can't jump down?

[00:14:51] No.

[00:14:52] Or you think a girl would have better problem solving skills?

[00:14:54] Yeah.

[00:14:54] I mean, what I'm saying is I called your character him because in my head these are always like

[00:15:00] 12-year-old white boys because it's the goose verse.

[00:15:04] Yeah.

[00:15:04] But what pronouns would you like me to use for your character?

[00:15:07] It doesn't matter.

[00:15:08] You.

[00:15:08] Second person.

[00:15:09] You.

[00:15:11] So the belt speeds up.

[00:15:13] Now both you and Liz are being dragged along through the tunnel.

[00:15:16] Up ahead, Jake lies motionless on the moving belt.

[00:15:19] And at the end of the tunnel, a sign flashes on and off.

[00:15:23] It reads, this way to the steaming room.

[00:15:28] Find out more about steaming on page 40.

[00:15:31] Do you think it's going to end up, it's like, oh, here's an exhibit about the industrial

[00:15:35] revolution and the steam engine.

[00:15:37] I was thinking more of poor clearing, but yeah.

[00:15:40] Steaming room, you ask Liz.

[00:15:42] What do you suppose that is?

[00:15:43] Liz only shakes her head and the conveyor belt comes to a sudden stop.

[00:15:47] You squint, trying to peer ahead in the darkness.

[00:15:49] You're about to call out Jake's name when you hear voices.

[00:15:52] Let's get him off this belt, says one man.

[00:15:54] Excuse me.

[00:15:55] I take that back.

[00:15:57] Let's get him off this belt, says one man.

[00:15:59] Dr. Wicked wants this one steamed right away.

[00:16:02] We'll do him first, then get the other, says a second man.

[00:16:05] Steamed?

[00:16:06] You gasp.

[00:16:07] And we must be the others, Liz cries.

[00:16:09] To me, she shouldn't be yelling.

[00:16:11] I know.

[00:16:11] They're really bad at being inconspicuous.

[00:16:14] Shh.

[00:16:15] Listen, you say, as the voices begin to argue.

[00:16:18] Maybe we should skip the steaming, one man says.

[00:16:20] If Dr. Wicked wants us to be finished in time for the opening tomorrow,

[00:16:23] we might just have to go on to the next step.

[00:16:25] No way, says the other man.

[00:16:27] You know we can't skip any steps.

[00:16:30] This is some good writing.

[00:16:32] If the steaming is skipped, nothing goes right.

[00:16:36] I'm glad they're so careful about quality control.

[00:16:39] Uh-huh.

[00:16:39] Okay, okay.

[00:16:40] Let's just get this kid into the tube.

[00:16:45] The steaming tube, huh?

[00:16:46] The steaming tube, apparently.

[00:16:48] You and Liz glance at each other in horror.

[00:16:50] Jake's always had a knack for getting into trouble, but this time he's out of his league.

[00:16:54] It sounds like he's in his league.

[00:16:55] Yeah, in trouble.

[00:16:57] Yeah, it's not a knack for getting out of trouble.

[00:16:59] Turn to page 59.

[00:17:01] You're really not getting many choices, but they have been meaningful ones.

[00:17:04] That's true.

[00:17:05] As far as we know.

[00:17:07] And as far as any choice is meaningful in this universe.

[00:17:10] Lord.

[00:17:10] Yeah, the depths of winter.

[00:17:13] We've got to see what they're doing, you whisper.

[00:17:15] You and Liz tiptoe along the conveyor belt.

[00:17:18] Finally, you can see the room at the end of the tunnel.

[00:17:21] Two men are lifting Jake off the conveyor belt.

[00:17:23] I'm sorry.

[00:17:24] Spatially, this is really weird.

[00:17:26] I know.

[00:17:27] Like, they can see some of it, but not all of it.

[00:17:29] They're tiptoeing.

[00:17:30] Is it moving?

[00:17:30] They're yelling.

[00:17:31] No one can hear them.

[00:17:32] Yeah.

[00:17:32] Yeah, I just am kind of bothered.

[00:17:34] I feel like I'm in an Escher thing right now.

[00:17:37] And this is supposed to be a wax museum.

[00:17:39] Yeah, I don't.

[00:17:40] So the entrance where guests go also has this conveyor belt that leads to.

[00:17:45] I think it's a different door.

[00:17:47] I think the red door was the one you weren't supposed to go through.

[00:17:49] But all the kids went through the red door.

[00:17:51] Well, they went to the Hall of History.

[00:17:53] Did they go through the red door?

[00:17:54] I thought they went through the red door.

[00:17:55] Jake did.

[00:17:57] Oh, yeah, they did go into the red door.

[00:17:58] Whoa!

[00:18:00] This doesn't seem like a museum at all.

[00:18:04] I don't think I know any museums with conveyor belts.

[00:18:07] Except in security lines.

[00:18:09] Yeah.

[00:18:11] I can't think of any either.

[00:18:12] I'm just picturing sushi restaurants.

[00:18:15] Okay.

[00:18:16] Well, we got to see what they're doing.

[00:18:18] Jake's all limp.

[00:18:20] You watch in terrorists.

[00:18:21] They load him into a tube.

[00:18:22] This room is filled with human-sized tubes.

[00:18:25] They look like big test tubes.

[00:18:26] But they have doors.

[00:18:28] They're human-sized tubes.

[00:18:29] Okay.

[00:18:30] Yeah, it looks like – it's kind of like a – maybe like a Futurama situation.

[00:18:34] Are you also thinking about our dog right now?

[00:18:36] Yeah.

[00:18:36] Who's obsessed with tubes, like the toilet paper roll tubes and cardboard tubes.

[00:18:40] She's got – she's a tube addict.

[00:18:42] Yeah.

[00:18:43] One time she ate two of them in like a minute and we had to take her to the hospital.

[00:18:48] We've stopped giving them to her.

[00:18:50] She's got a problem.

[00:18:53] Her brain is shaped like a tube.

[00:18:55] Yeah.

[00:18:55] Okay.

[00:18:56] Okay.

[00:18:56] So there's – picture if you will – these test tubes with doors that have hoses sticking

[00:19:02] out the top, connecting them to a big pipe on the ceiling and Jake is inside one of them.

[00:19:08] That's what's happening.

[00:19:09] How can we get him out of there?

[00:19:11] Liz whispers.

[00:19:12] She whispers that.

[00:19:13] How can we get him out of there?

[00:19:15] Liz whispers.

[00:19:16] Does the pipe say wax on it?

[00:19:18] I mean, I assume, but it's steaming.

[00:19:20] I don't really know how wax – wax sculptures get made.

[00:19:24] I'm guessing the author of this doesn't either.

[00:19:26] I mean, I wouldn't have thought steaming, so it seems like someone might have searched

[00:19:29] something.

[00:19:30] But before you can answer, the conveyor belt starts up again with a jolt.

[00:19:33] You and Liz are knocked off your feet and carried down the tunnel toward the test tube

[00:19:38] room.

[00:19:38] Then you notice that the air around you is getting damp and heavy.

[00:19:42] And you're feeling sleepy.

[00:19:44] Very sleepy.

[00:19:46] You spot purple smoke hissing from under the conveyor belt.

[00:19:50] Sleeping gas.

[00:19:52] It registers in your brain, but your body is now helpless to do anything about it.

[00:19:56] It's all you can do to rock your head to the side so you can see where you're going.

[00:20:01] No surprise there.

[00:20:02] You and Liz are headed straight into the waiting hands of the two men in gloves and doctor's

[00:20:07] masks.

[00:20:08] Turn to page 133 to see what happens next.

[00:20:11] It's a kind of creepy state of not able to move, but you're still conscious.

[00:20:15] Yeah.

[00:20:15] I feel like it just got kind of creepy.

[00:20:18] Actually, from the moment that you pointed out that that door that the kids all went through

[00:20:21] was to this same place.

[00:20:23] Unless maybe the – yeah, no, that's just very creepy.

[00:20:25] It got creepy for me, too.

[00:20:27] Yeah.

[00:20:28] The two men in doctor's masks drag you and Liz off the belt.

[00:20:31] Two more for steaming, says one.

[00:20:33] Dr. Wicked will be pleased.

[00:20:36] They roughly load you and Liz into – oh, my God.

[00:20:39] Whoever talks about their boss like that, too.

[00:20:41] Like, seriously, who gives a shit?

[00:20:43] Like, yeah.

[00:20:44] It's just – it'd be like you're making, you know, customers come in to get their lattes.

[00:20:50] You're like, ah, Howard Schultz will be so glad.

[00:20:52] He'll be pleased.

[00:20:53] Yeah.

[00:20:54] They roughly load you and Liz into separate test tubes, close the glass doors, and seal

[00:20:59] them.

[00:21:00] They're going to steam us, your mind screams.

[00:21:02] We'll die.

[00:21:03] Already you have to fight for breath.

[00:21:05] You've always been frightened of enclosed places.

[00:21:07] It's hard not to panic.

[00:21:08] Your mind races, trying to come up with a plan.

[00:21:10] If only had thought about that before getting on the conveyor belt.

[00:21:12] Right.

[00:21:13] Or gotten off of it at any point.

[00:21:14] I feel like there have been so many opportunities to get off of it at this point.

[00:21:18] You know, the Aristocats figured out this one.

[00:21:21] Remember when they, like, went below the bridge and stuff?

[00:21:24] Yeah.

[00:21:26] Okay.

[00:21:28] Your mind races, trying to come up with a plan.

[00:21:30] Now that you're away from the sleeping gas – so there's just sleeping gas in this room,

[00:21:35] but it's not affecting – oh, because they have doctor's masks?

[00:21:37] Like, N95 masks?

[00:21:39] Yeah, probably.

[00:21:40] All right.

[00:21:42] You feel strength returning to your arms and legs.

[00:21:44] Maybe you can break out of this contraption.

[00:21:46] But what about the two men?

[00:21:47] Besides, once the steaming starts, whatever it is, they'll probably need all the strength

[00:21:51] you can muster.

[00:21:52] Maybe you should lie low, try to conserve air and energy, and hope you come out alive.

[00:21:56] What'll it be?

[00:21:57] If you fight to escape, go to page 107.

[00:21:59] If you stand perfectly still to save oxygen, go to page 47.

[00:22:03] Fight to escape.

[00:22:04] Fight to escape.

[00:22:06] I guess you're not going to be a wax sculpture.

[00:22:09] I just think if I stand still and wait, it's just going to be wax on me, and I'll

[00:22:14] be like, wow, I just stood there and waited to die.

[00:22:17] You pound on the glass, fighting to escape.

[00:22:18] A sudden rush of steam whooshes in through a hose on the top of the tube.

[00:22:23] You can't breathe.

[00:22:24] Sweat drips down your forehead.

[00:22:26] Your fingernails scrape across the glass as you claw at the door.

[00:22:29] The steam is getting thicker, and there is no way out.

[00:22:31] I'm suffocating!

[00:22:32] You choke out the words.

[00:22:33] Let me out!

[00:22:34] You beat the glass with your fists, but your hands are limp and useless.

[00:22:37] The steam has softened them too much.

[00:22:40] You're shriveling like a prune.

[00:22:41] Yeah!

[00:22:42] This steaming process is shrinking you.

[00:22:45] You're the size of a Barbie doll.

[00:22:47] What?

[00:22:48] Yeah, I mean...

[00:22:48] Like I'm like laundry at the dry cleaner or something?

[00:22:51] Yeah, but steaming doesn't make things shrink, does it?

[00:22:54] I mean, again, some fabrics, if you apply heat to them, but like, you don't go into

[00:22:59] a sauna and shrink.

[00:23:01] Well, I guess it's like really hot?

[00:23:03] And maybe you're made of wool?

[00:23:06] Help!

[00:23:07] You cry.

[00:23:07] Even your voice...

[00:23:08] Oh, help!

[00:23:09] You cry.

[00:23:10] Even your voice is smaller now.

[00:23:11] The two men in doctor's masks can't hear you.

[00:23:14] They glance at your test tube and shake their heads.

[00:23:16] Another goner, says one man.

[00:23:18] Matter of factly, I guess this one couldn't take the heat.

[00:23:21] You feel a little sick.

[00:23:23] A little tired.

[00:23:24] A little, little.

[00:23:26] When they open the door, you're just a speck on the bottom of the test tube.

[00:23:29] The good news is, your steaming is finished.

[00:23:32] The bad news is, so are you.

[00:23:36] The end.

[00:23:37] I'm really confused how this relates to the wax museum part.

[00:23:40] Well, that's because you died too soon to find out.

[00:23:43] Can I see the book?

[00:23:44] Yeah.

[00:23:45] I just feel like, yeah, a lot of laws of physics were justified there, and I can't picture...

[00:23:52] Like, I feel like we didn't think about...

[00:23:54] You know when there's cartoon logic, where, like, you hit a coyote with a hammer and it

[00:23:59] turns into an accordion?

[00:24:00] Mm-hmm.

[00:24:01] That has some sense to it.

[00:24:02] Yeah.

[00:24:03] This just felt random.

[00:24:05] Yeah.

[00:24:07] Where's the point at which you would have made a different choice?

[00:24:10] I think I would have seen what was in the room.

[00:24:13] Um, I do like, though, that this is consistent with that thing of, it doesn't matter, like,

[00:24:18] you'd think, oh, I should fight instead of stay still.

[00:24:20] Like, that would be what the story arc normally would teach me in this one.

[00:24:23] Like, so many choose-your-own-adventure books, it doesn't matter what choice you make, that

[00:24:26] you can still randomly die.

[00:24:28] Yeah.

[00:24:28] Love that.

[00:24:29] Do you want to hear what would happen if you looked around the shadows?

[00:24:32] Someone is watching you.

[00:24:33] You feel it.

[00:24:34] There's something in the shadows across the room, and you have to find out what it is.

[00:24:38] Maybe it's Jake, you think?

[00:24:40] Maybe this whole thing is one of his pranks.

[00:24:42] Didn't I just see him going the other way?

[00:24:44] Um, I don't think you've-

[00:24:47] I don't know, yeah, maybe-

[00:24:48] I think you saw him on the conveyor belt or something.

[00:24:51] Maybe he put his sneakers on the conveyor belt so you'd think he was unconscious.

[00:24:54] Ah, see, I noticed details.

[00:24:56] Maybe not.

[00:24:57] Jake, you call hopefully.

[00:24:58] Is that you?

[00:24:59] There's no reply.

[00:25:00] Mr. Dunning.

[00:25:01] You try again.

[00:25:02] A spotlight suddenly shines down from the ceiling.

[00:25:04] It blinds you for a moment.

[00:25:06] Then you and Liz both gasp.

[00:25:08] The light is shining on a person, but it sure isn't Mr. Dunning.

[00:25:11] This giant wears a black hood and a black cape.

[00:25:14] He holds a gleaming axe blade high in the air.

[00:25:17] In a moment, he will bring it down on the victim kneeling before him.

[00:25:20] It's the Executioner, you exclaim, horrified.

[00:25:23] He was in one of the Goosebumps books we read, remember, Liz?

[00:25:26] Oh my god!

[00:25:28] What?

[00:25:29] Yeah.

[00:25:29] This is a Tower of Terror tie-in?

[00:25:32] Yeah, Liz whispers.

[00:25:33] The Executioner.

[00:25:34] Her eyes are wide.

[00:25:35] She can barely breathe.

[00:25:36] Then she screams.

[00:25:37] It's Jake!

[00:25:38] He's going to be executed.

[00:25:40] So it wasn't even Jake before?

[00:25:41] Turn to page 99.

[00:25:42] Oh my god!

[00:25:43] Oh my god!

[00:25:44] I'm so glad we went back!

[00:25:45] I'm so glad someone made the right choice around here.

[00:25:48] Dude!

[00:25:49] Okay, just real quick.

[00:25:51] Is this cheesy or cool?

[00:25:54] Good question.

[00:25:56] I think because it's been several years since we read Terror Tower, I'm enjoying it.

[00:26:02] But I think if we had read them closer to one another, I would have found it cheesy.

[00:26:05] Okay.

[00:26:05] I think it's really cool.

[00:26:07] But also, yeah.

[00:26:09] There's a little bit of like, just like in that Goosebumps by that R.L. Stine fellow fellow.

[00:26:14] That handsome, clever devil.

[00:26:15] Yeah.

[00:26:16] Your stomach turns over.

[00:26:18] Liz is right.

[00:26:18] The figure kneeling with his head on the chopping block and has chin-length brown hair.

[00:26:23] Just like Jake's.

[00:26:24] Well, a lot of people have hair like that.

[00:26:26] Jake!

[00:26:26] You shriek.

[00:26:27] You dash over and grab his hand to pull him off the chopping block.

[00:26:30] But what you feel startles you.

[00:26:32] Jake's hand is covered with...

[00:26:34] Wax?

[00:26:35] Wax!

[00:26:35] Right then, the executioner's arms glide downward, the axe gloomed in the spotlight.

[00:26:41] Whack!

[00:26:42] The steel axe blade lands squarely on Jake's neck.

[00:26:45] Ugh.

[00:26:45] Quick!

[00:26:46] Turn to page 42.

[00:26:47] Oh my god!

[00:26:48] The whack of the axe on the chopping block is followed by a thud.

[00:26:52] The severed head rolls and lands at your feet.

[00:26:54] Ah!

[00:26:55] You scream.

[00:26:56] Two glassy eyes are staring up at you.

[00:26:58] But wait!

[00:26:59] Those aren't Jake's eyes at all.

[00:27:00] They're marbles!

[00:27:01] You exclaim to Liz.

[00:27:03] This is just a wax figure.

[00:27:05] That was your first clue?

[00:27:06] Not that there was no blood?

[00:27:08] Or that there was wax on his hand?

[00:27:09] Yeah.

[00:27:12] It's part of the exhibit.

[00:27:13] It doesn't even look like Jake, except for the hair.

[00:27:15] Ha!

[00:27:16] Liz laughs nervously.

[00:27:17] I wasn't fooled for a minute.

[00:27:18] Were you?

[00:27:19] She looks at the headless wax figure in shoulders.

[00:27:21] I wasn't scared, you reply, trying to sound braver than you feel.

[00:27:25] To prove it, you reach up and tweak the executioner's waxy nose.

[00:27:28] It's all fake, see?

[00:27:29] Yeah, Liz says, giving the towering figure's cheek a pinch.

[00:27:33] Just fake.

[00:27:33] But it moves?

[00:27:34] Mm-hmm.

[00:27:35] Hmm.

[00:27:35] I think they're speaking too soon.

[00:27:37] You're not so sure anymore, though.

[00:27:39] Yeah.

[00:27:39] You don't want to scare Liz or anything, but when you touched his nose, you felt...

[00:27:43] What was it?

[00:27:43] Breath?

[00:27:45] Oh, breath!

[00:27:46] Yes.

[00:27:47] Warm breath.

[00:27:48] Coming from the executioner.

[00:27:50] I feel like you should tell Liz this.

[00:27:52] But that's impossible.

[00:27:53] Or is it?

[00:27:55] Take a deep breath yourself and turn to page 86.

[00:27:58] Okay.

[00:28:02] You lean closer to the executioner.

[00:28:04] This time you're sure.

[00:28:05] The wax figure's chest is definitely moving.

[00:28:07] Slowly.

[00:28:08] In and out.

[00:28:09] Is this part of the exhibit?

[00:28:11] What are you doing, Liz jokes?

[00:28:13] Checking him for bad breath?

[00:28:15] That was a good joke.

[00:28:16] Don't you see it?

[00:28:18] You whisper.

[00:28:18] See what?

[00:28:19] Liz asks.

[00:28:20] She takes a closer look at the wax...

[00:28:22] The wax axe man.

[00:28:25] Then her eyes grow wide.

[00:28:26] Ooh.

[00:28:27] And is his name Axel?

[00:28:28] Is this Axel?

[00:28:30] They made it look like he's breathing.

[00:28:32] The spotlight above the exhibit flickers.

[00:28:34] Liz grabs your arm.

[00:28:35] This is too creepy, she cries.

[00:28:37] Let's find Jake and get out of here.

[00:28:39] But you're too busy examining the executioner.

[00:28:42] Curiosity overcomes fear.

[00:28:43] You scratch at one waxy hand with your fingernail.

[00:28:45] Ooh, I feel like curiosity overcomes fear.

[00:28:48] Was Arlstein getting really philosophical now?

[00:28:50] Like that's like tattoo material, you know?

[00:28:52] Or like a really weird game of like rock, paper, scissors.

[00:28:58] Like curiosity, fear.

[00:29:00] Danger.

[00:29:01] Horniness.

[00:29:01] I don't know.

[00:29:05] It kind of grosses you out, but at the same time, it fascinates you.

[00:29:08] All the while, the big waxy figure's barrel chest moves in and out ever so gently.

[00:29:14] Mmm.

[00:29:14] Love a waxy barrel chest.

[00:29:16] Turn to page 78 to see what you find.

[00:29:20] The wax on the hand of the executioner peels away easily.

[00:29:23] You flick a soft lump of the stuff off your finger and scratch some more.

[00:29:28] This time, you scrape a patch on his arm.

[00:29:31] You dig deeper with your nail.

[00:29:32] Under the cool layers of wax, you feel a warm spot.

[00:29:35] There are corners of YouTube that are just videos like this.

[00:29:38] I'm sure.

[00:29:40] You squint your eyes and look closer.

[00:29:42] Is it only flesh-colored wax?

[00:29:44] Or is it really flesh?

[00:29:46] Just keep pulling pieces off until you find out.

[00:29:49] Turn to page 132.

[00:29:50] Only one way to find out.

[00:29:53] It could be leprosy.

[00:29:56] You're so busy scratching the wax surface of the executioner that you hardly notice what's happening.

[00:30:00] But it gradually dawns on you.

[00:30:03] Fingers.

[00:30:04] Five of them.

[00:30:05] Fingers have wrapped themselves around your right arm.

[00:30:07] Not ten?

[00:30:08] And they're starting to squeeze.

[00:30:10] You can't bring yourself to raise your eyes to the executioner's face.

[00:30:13] You're level with his chest.

[00:30:15] You're trying to help him.

[00:30:16] In and out.

[00:30:16] In and out.

[00:30:19] Yep.

[00:30:19] You gulp.

[00:30:21] Liz, you say, I certainly hope that's you squeezing my arm.

[00:30:25] Knock it off, Liz says from across the room.

[00:30:26] You're scaring me.

[00:30:27] They're not Liz's fingers.

[00:30:29] That can only mean one thing.

[00:30:31] Dot, dot, dot.

[00:30:32] I mean, I feel like it can mean a lot of things.

[00:30:35] What happens next depends on how easily scared you get.

[00:30:38] Are you the type who flies into a panic?

[00:30:39] Or are you cool and collected when things get scary?

[00:30:41] Oh, I'm really good at swallowing my emotions, as you know.

[00:30:45] And then I fly into a panic later.

[00:30:48] Go ahead and test yourself.

[00:30:50] Hold out your hand away from your body.

[00:30:52] Can you keep your fingers perfectly still?

[00:30:53] Or do they wiggle and twitch?

[00:30:56] Your hand's pretty still, actually.

[00:30:57] Yeah.

[00:30:58] Yeah.

[00:30:59] If you can keep them still, go to page 10.

[00:31:01] If your fingers are trembling even a little, go to page 120.

[00:31:04] Man, I wonder if it's going to turn out.

[00:31:06] I should have been more anxious.

[00:31:08] Liz, you say, trying to stay calm.

[00:31:10] We've got a problem.

[00:31:11] Problem?

[00:31:12] What problem?

[00:31:13] She looks right at you, but she doesn't realize why you're standing so still.

[00:31:16] What is it?

[00:31:17] She asks.

[00:31:18] You move your eyes downward.

[00:31:19] My hand, you whisper softly.

[00:31:21] His hand, you add even more softly.

[00:31:26] Writing a little song about it.

[00:31:27] It could really just be more direct, I think.

[00:31:29] Liz looks down at the executioner's fingers wrapped tightly around your hand.

[00:31:32] Oh, you're holding hands.

[00:31:34] That's sweet.

[00:31:34] I thought his hand was around your arm.

[00:31:35] When I was in Taekwondo at the YMCA,

[00:31:38] what they taught us to do is if someone grabs your hand,

[00:31:42] like grabs your arm,

[00:31:44] you take four of your fingers and peel their thumb away

[00:31:48] because four is stronger than one.

[00:31:49] Hot tip.

[00:31:50] Hot tip.

[00:31:51] You just ask them, hold still for a second.

[00:31:54] I'm going to peel your finger away.

[00:31:56] He's alive!

[00:31:57] She screams.

[00:31:58] She lunges forward.

[00:31:59] Using both hands, she shoves the executioner backwards

[00:32:02] and throws him completely off balance.

[00:32:03] Using both hands?

[00:32:04] Someone had a word count to me.

[00:32:05] The axe goes flying out of his hand.

[00:32:07] You scramble over to the axe.

[00:32:09] It's yours!

[00:32:09] As the giant creature tries to get up,

[00:32:11] you raise the axe over your head.

[00:32:13] But before you can bring it down again on your black-caped enemy,

[00:32:16] someone stops you.

[00:32:17] That is a crazy move to make.

[00:32:19] So they just saw this person trapped in wax.

[00:32:23] He wasn't hurting anyone,

[00:32:25] assuming we're right that that other dude was wax.

[00:32:28] And all he did was try to, like, touch you.

[00:32:31] Not, like, in a creepy way.

[00:32:33] But he was just like, I mean, it's like the Tin Man, right?

[00:32:35] Like, well, okay.

[00:32:36] You know?

[00:32:37] And like, oh, I'm just going to bring an axe down on your head.

[00:32:40] I thought curiosity was supposed to conquer fear.

[00:32:42] This is America, goddammit.

[00:32:44] Actually, you know what?

[00:32:45] I think you came up with the right answer.

[00:32:46] I feel like curiosity conquers fear.

[00:32:48] But, like, horniness can really conquer curiosity

[00:32:51] and, like, be like, I don't care.

[00:32:53] But then fear can totally conquer horniness.

[00:32:55] I think you're right.

[00:32:57] It can also help.

[00:32:58] Yeah.

[00:32:58] But not, like, fear fear.

[00:33:00] It's like, ooh, what's going to happen?

[00:33:01] In anticipation.

[00:33:03] Got you, says a man's voice.

[00:33:06] Okay.

[00:33:06] Turn to page 13 to find out who has you.

[00:33:09] I bet it's Axel.

[00:33:11] Someone yanks the axe out of your hands.

[00:33:13] You spin around.

[00:33:14] Your eyes widen in surprise.

[00:33:16] Two men in doctor's masks and overalls are standing behind you.

[00:33:19] One is tall and thin.

[00:33:20] The other is short and round.

[00:33:21] You're here to finish the exhibits, not finish them off,

[00:33:24] sneers the shorter man.

[00:33:26] Okay.

[00:33:27] So I work here.

[00:33:28] Ah.

[00:33:29] Thanks to you, we have to start all over with this executioner exhibit,

[00:33:32] adds the tall man.

[00:33:33] What are they talking about?

[00:33:34] You and Liz are too stunned to ask.

[00:33:36] It's also kind of weird that they assume these children must work there.

[00:33:39] Like, they must employ children.

[00:33:42] You watch the two men lift up the frozen executioner and carry him to the conveyor belt.

[00:33:46] Curls of wax litter the floor.

[00:33:48] They lay him down in the belt and watch as he disappears through the red velvet steamers.

[00:33:52] Streamers.

[00:33:53] Dr. Wicked won't like this.

[00:33:55] There's no time for do-overs, the short man grumbles.

[00:33:58] Mr. Schultz won't like this.

[00:34:00] Yeah, exactly.

[00:34:01] Oh, steamers.

[00:34:03] Hi.

[00:34:05] As for you two, the other man says, shoving you roughly.

[00:34:08] It's time for you to join your friend.

[00:34:09] He's been waiting for you in the skin scraping center.

[00:34:12] Ew.

[00:34:13] No, Liz cries.

[00:34:14] This is a spa, right?

[00:34:15] I guess so.

[00:34:16] What have you done to Jake?

[00:34:17] The two men laugh.

[00:34:18] Nothing we won't do to you two, the short one promises.

[00:34:21] They have steaming, waxing, and skin scraping.

[00:34:24] Like, definitely.

[00:34:25] But okay, also, here, I mean, definitely it's a spa.

[00:34:28] But also, here's what I think is happening.

[00:34:32] Mr. Dunson or whatever, Dunning, his donation was actually free child labor to get the museum open on time.

[00:34:40] And so that's what the class is doing.

[00:34:42] And then he's going to sit down and have a spa day.

[00:34:43] Right.

[00:34:44] Yeah, exactly.

[00:34:45] And that's why it makes sense that the grown adults saw these two kids and were like, oh, get back to work.

[00:34:50] Because I'll, yeah.

[00:34:52] We did that for a field trip once.

[00:34:53] We went and helped some people with, like, their lumber processing.

[00:34:59] Yeah.

[00:35:00] Sorry, I'm just saying on the facing page, there is someone named Axel.

[00:35:03] I know, I told you.

[00:35:04] Her servant.

[00:35:05] Oh, that's right, yeah.

[00:35:07] Liz looks as scared as you feel.

[00:35:09] Don't be, when did you last have a choice?

[00:35:11] I don't know.

[00:35:12] I think the first one I made probably, oh, when I had a steady hand.

[00:35:16] Oh, that's right.

[00:35:17] Liz looks as scared as you feel.

[00:35:18] Don't be afraid, the man holding her declares.

[00:35:21] The dipping doesn't hurt.

[00:35:22] For long.

[00:35:24] Hmm.

[00:35:24] You won't get away with this, you warn.

[00:35:26] Our teacher, Mr. Dunning, is friends with the owner of this place.

[00:35:28] He made a personal contribution to the museum.

[00:35:31] Do you know who my father is?

[00:35:34] Cronyism.

[00:35:35] You're the one who won't get away, says your captor.

[00:35:38] He doesn't know it, but the biggest contribution Mr. Dunning made is you kids.

[00:35:42] Oh, I told you.

[00:35:43] Yeah, you'll never see your teacher again.

[00:35:44] Oh, but he doesn't know it.

[00:35:45] I think he does know it.

[00:35:46] Yeah.

[00:35:47] I think he's got some plausible deniability.

[00:35:49] But, yeah, I think he's like, take these fucking kids.

[00:35:52] Also, the field trip, presumably, if he was not in on it, he would have told the school that he was taking all these kids there, so it would be very easy to find them again.

[00:36:03] That's right, adds Liz's guard.

[00:36:05] Dr. Wicked ordered us to make new figures for the unfinished exhibits before the grand opening of the museum tomorrow.

[00:36:10] The press and television news people are arriving in two hours, adds the tall man.

[00:36:15] We've got a lot of body dipping to do in very little time.

[00:36:18] Yeah, I feel like they should have planned this for earlier.

[00:36:20] Yeah.

[00:36:21] Body dipping, you screech.

[00:36:23] Where is Mr. Dunning?

[00:36:24] Where's Jake?

[00:36:24] I demand to see him now.

[00:36:26] And you start to scream.

[00:36:28] Scream all you like, kid, says the short one.

[00:36:30] Your friend is being processed.

[00:36:32] It's done in stages.

[00:36:33] First the steaming, then the skinning, then the hot wax dipping.

[00:36:36] Why would you dip them without skin?

[00:36:40] Into wax.

[00:36:41] Right, but don't you want the skin to give you the general shape of a child?

[00:36:45] I don't think that this has been totally thought through.

[00:36:49] I feel like the level of sense-making we have here is similar to face-off.

[00:36:55] Oh, sorry, this is a great line.

[00:36:57] It's hard to create exhibits of such horrifying quality, you know.

[00:37:01] Yeah, I guess it's flayed children.

[00:37:03] You know what it sounds like?

[00:37:04] Bodies.

[00:37:05] Mm-hmm.

[00:37:05] Mm-hmm.

[00:37:06] But this is supposed to be a history museum, Liz cries.

[00:37:09] And you're going to be history.

[00:37:10] Is that the joke?

[00:37:11] Get Liz's answer on page 130.

[00:37:13] I bet that's the joke.

[00:37:14] Bet you're right.

[00:37:15] History, the tall worker laughs.

[00:37:17] That's a good one.

[00:37:18] The public wants horror, not history.

[00:37:21] Oh, R.L.

[00:37:22] Stein.

[00:37:22] What scathing commentary?

[00:37:24] How many kids do you think were reading this behind their, you know, math books or

[00:37:28] history books, more appropriately?

[00:37:30] And we aim to please.

[00:37:31] You've already met the executioner.

[00:37:33] Soon you'll meet the others.

[00:37:34] Others, you cry.

[00:37:35] What others?

[00:37:36] The short man answers.

[00:37:37] First things first.

[00:37:39] There's no time to steam you.

[00:37:40] We'll send you straight to the next step.

[00:37:42] He pulls a...

[00:37:43] Man, there's a lot of, like, again, process discussion, right?

[00:37:46] About do we have time to do it correctly or not?

[00:37:49] He pulls a red curtain aside.

[00:37:50] A door in the wall slides open to a dimly lit hallway.

[00:37:54] At the far end, there's a glass door with red letters on it.

[00:37:57] They say, Skin Scraping Center.

[00:37:59] And there's Jake on the other side.

[00:38:01] It's really weird, like, you have to go to the conveyor belt all the way down, but the

[00:38:05] skin scraping part is over here.

[00:38:06] Like, this is not very efficient.

[00:38:07] Yeah.

[00:38:07] They didn't do like the McDonald's brothers did and figure out what's the most efficient

[00:38:12] way to put all the parts, you know?

[00:38:15] Yeah.

[00:38:16] Didn't read their Henry Ford.

[00:38:18] Or their Howard Schultz.

[00:38:21] Jake, you cry.

[00:38:22] Hold on.

[00:38:22] We're coming to get you.

[00:38:23] Okay.

[00:38:24] I will say what you will about Howard Schultz.

[00:38:27] Starbucks was, at one point, very efficiently arranged for employee ease of movement.

[00:38:32] Yeah.

[00:38:33] That's Fordism Taylorism.

[00:38:34] Yeah.

[00:38:34] I know.

[00:38:34] Yeah.

[00:38:35] I'm just saying Schultz got that one.

[00:38:36] Yeah.

[00:38:36] Or whoever was working for him that did that.

[00:38:39] Jake, you cry.

[00:38:40] Hold on.

[00:38:40] We're coming to get you.

[00:38:41] He's struggling in the arms of another masked museum worker.

[00:38:44] Now he's being strapped onto a rolling stretcher and pushed out of sight.

[00:38:47] He's gone.

[00:38:48] But at least you know he's still alive.

[00:38:50] Get moving, the tall man orders.

[00:38:52] They push you and Liz through the doorway.

[00:38:54] The door slides shut behind you and locks.

[00:38:56] Do you think Martyrs ripped off this book?

[00:38:58] Oh my god.

[00:38:59] You're right.

[00:39:00] Is this before Martyrs?

[00:39:02] Yeah, I do think that.

[00:39:03] You and Liz are alone.

[00:39:05] Now it's time to make your move.

[00:39:06] You've got to act before they turn Jake into a statue.

[00:39:10] On the wall, two buttons glow.

[00:39:12] One is yellow.

[00:39:13] One is green.

[00:39:14] They look important.

[00:39:15] Just what you need to create a distraction.

[00:39:18] But which one should you push?

[00:39:19] Yellow or green?

[00:39:20] I think if I push green, I'll be accelerated towards my death or someone will be.

[00:39:25] But yellow will slow it down.

[00:39:27] So I would say yellow.

[00:39:29] Okay.

[00:39:29] Yellow on page 16.

[00:39:31] You push the yellow button.

[00:39:32] Instantly screams and moans of agony fill your ears.

[00:39:35] Wall panels open, revealing dioramas on both sides.

[00:39:38] Ah!

[00:39:39] Liz screams too.

[00:39:41] You do good screams.

[00:39:43] Thanks.

[00:39:44] Wax figures from the history of horror pose in gruesome scenes.

[00:39:47] Cool.

[00:39:47] You're surrounded by villains and monsters.

[00:39:49] Not the kind of distraction you had in mind.

[00:39:52] Count Dracula bears fangs dripping with the blood of the wax victim in his arms.

[00:39:56] The creature from the Black Lagoon drags the screaming woman into a steaming swamp.

[00:40:01] Mud monsters.

[00:40:02] King Jelly Jam.

[00:40:03] The Mummy.

[00:40:03] Oh!

[00:40:04] Monsters from every Goosebumps book you've ever read.

[00:40:07] Oh, man.

[00:40:07] Every movie you've ever seen.

[00:40:08] And some random...

[00:40:09] Whoa, wow.

[00:40:09] That's a lot of coverage.

[00:40:11] They're all here with you in this exhibit hall of horror.

[00:40:14] But they're only wax, you tell yourself.

[00:40:16] Exhibits in the museum.

[00:40:17] And all that roaring, screaming, and crying.

[00:40:19] It's being pumped in through speakers.

[00:40:22] Scary but fake.

[00:40:23] Right?

[00:40:24] That's so cool.

[00:40:25] Meanwhile, the skin-scraping center sign flashes on and off at the end of the hall, reminding you of the real danger ahead.

[00:40:31] Go to page 122.

[00:40:32] I just think this sounds very similar to, um, like, seems like Horrorland.

[00:40:38] I wonder if it's one of their affiliates or a subsidiary.

[00:40:43] There's no safe place to go.

[00:40:44] The door behind you is locked.

[00:40:46] The door ahead of you leads to skin-scraping, whatever that is.

[00:40:49] But you know you have to get there and save Jake.

[00:40:51] You and Liz cling to each other as you walk through the Hall of Horrors, past Count Dracula, past the creature from the Black Lagoon, past the mud monsters, past all of them.

[00:41:00] If I had a choice, we would not be walking.

[00:41:01] No!

[00:41:02] Like, hurry the hell up.

[00:41:03] The hall is about as long as a football field.

[00:41:06] No.

[00:41:07] And about half-

[00:41:07] This is a huge building.

[00:41:09] Yeah.

[00:41:09] And about halfway through, you stop.

[00:41:11] Did you see what you thought you saw?

[00:41:13] You study the wed-

[00:41:15] You study the waxy red drops of blood clinging to Dracula's fangs.

[00:41:19] His lips are curled back, showing blood-soaked gums and a crimson tongue.

[00:41:23] Out of the corner of your eye, you see the scaly creature from the Black Lagoon in the next exhibit case.

[00:41:27] His webbed hands clutch the long hair of his victim and tighten their grip in front of your eyes.

[00:41:33] You weren't just imagining things.

[00:41:35] Count Dracula really is turning to focus his red eyes on you.

[00:41:38] And so are all the figures in this wicked Hall of Wax.

[00:41:41] They're all alive.

[00:41:42] Me?

[00:41:42] Just like the executioner.

[00:41:45] Shucks.

[00:41:47] As if they can read your thoughts, suddenly all the wax creatures drop their victims and turn their evil eyes on you.

[00:41:52] Cool.

[00:41:53] Race to page 88.

[00:41:54] Well, I don't feel like I, you know, could gather more information here?

[00:41:59] I don't think I need to run.

[00:42:01] All at once, the living, breathing wax villains step, crawl, and fall out of their horror scenes.

[00:42:06] Clawed hands, fanged mouths, and slime-covered arms reach out for you and Liz.

[00:42:09] But they're all covered in wax.

[00:42:11] Correct.

[00:42:11] You decide not to stick around and find out what they have in mind.

[00:42:15] Run, Liz!

[00:42:15] You cry over the shouts and moans and groans of the pack of creatures.

[00:42:18] Run to the skin center!

[00:42:23] You both make a mad dash for the end of the hall, but Count Dracula is just a step ahead of you.

[00:42:27] His cold, waxy form steps into your path just before you get to the glass door.

[00:42:32] He smiles a horrible, fanged smile.

[00:42:35] All right.

[00:42:36] Maybe this is from the cover image.

[00:42:38] You put on the brakes and take a step back.

[00:42:40] The rest of the wax attackers line up behind the count.

[00:42:43] The wolfman howls.

[00:42:44] The Frankenstein monster groans.

[00:42:46] Look, I just have to say, I feel like this is reminding me of what I'm going to do.

[00:42:50] It's a memory of when Woody and Buzz were all mean to the misfit toys, and it's like, hey, you don't know what their intentions are.

[00:42:58] Calm down.

[00:42:59] Very true.

[00:43:02] Breathing their hot, rancid breath in your faces, they advance on you.

[00:43:06] Rude.

[00:43:06] You retreat in sheer terror.

[00:43:08] Your legs are shaking.

[00:43:09] Liz's teeth are chattering.

[00:43:11] Looks as if they've got you trapped.

[00:43:12] The door behind you is locked, remember?

[00:43:15] Dracula licks his lips hungrily.

[00:43:17] So he's not wax?

[00:43:19] With all these monsters breathing down your necks, there's only one thing you can think of to do.

[00:43:24] Go to page 55.

[00:43:25] Oh, it's the only thing I can think of.

[00:43:28] See, I'm thinking, are they just living statues, you know what I mean?

[00:43:32] Like...

[00:43:32] Could be.

[00:43:33] Because this doesn't sound very similar to the executioner guy.

[00:43:36] You push the green button.

[00:43:38] What?

[00:43:38] So I guess, um...

[00:43:40] Fuck you.

[00:43:40] Yeah.

[00:43:41] Okay.

[00:43:42] The ceiling above you opens up.

[00:43:44] A large pair of tongs reach down and lift you...

[00:43:46] A large pair of tongs reaches down and lifts you and Liz through the opening in the ceiling.

[00:43:51] As you rise...

[00:43:52] Tongs?

[00:43:53] Tongs.

[00:43:54] As you see...

[00:43:55] Like a salad tongs?

[00:43:56] If it's Toy Story, then it's the claw.

[00:43:58] Do you think R.L. Stine just, like, had...

[00:44:01] Yeah, watched Toy Story and...

[00:44:02] I don't think he wrote this, but yeah.

[00:44:04] Yeah, fair enough.

[00:44:04] As you rise, you see the floor below speeding downward and away from you.

[00:44:08] In fact, you realize you're not moving up at all.

[00:44:10] The tongs are holding you in place while all that is below you sinks farther and farther away.

[00:44:14] Yeah, put that stuff away.

[00:44:17] Are they just gonna keep us hanging here?

[00:44:19] You wonder aloud.

[00:44:20] You spoke too soon.

[00:44:21] A veil of mist gathers at your feet.

[00:44:23] Your feeling of dangling in midair disappears.

[00:44:26] Solid ground is under your feet again.

[00:44:28] You peer down and see that you're standing on a sidewalk.

[00:44:31] The tongs release you and vanish.

[00:44:33] When you glance up to see what happened to them, you see a small row of apartment buildings.

[00:44:38] What?

[00:44:38] I feel like I'm in a fucking purgatorio right now.

[00:44:41] Especially because, like, the floor went away.

[00:44:45] Why are you outside?

[00:44:46] Yeah.

[00:44:47] No, it doesn't make sense.

[00:44:48] Also, remember that one, like, horrible movie we saw with that dude digging hole?

[00:44:53] Oh my god, Vivarium.

[00:44:54] I was just thinking about that too.

[00:44:55] Yeah, it was like that.

[00:44:56] Yeah.

[00:44:57] Jesse Eisenberg, digging hole.

[00:44:59] If you want to see that, this movie is for you.

[00:45:02] This is better though.

[00:45:03] Yeah.

[00:45:04] Hey, what is this place, you say?

[00:45:06] Turn to page 33.

[00:45:08] It's so foggy here.

[00:45:09] Who can tell what this place is?

[00:45:11] Shock Street.

[00:45:12] A full moon lights the night sky.

[00:45:13] A single gas lamp.

[00:45:15] Weird that I can tell it's gas.

[00:45:16] Cast weird shadows against the brick walls of the buildings.

[00:45:19] I can tell it's gas.

[00:45:21] Fair enough.

[00:45:22] You can't tell anything.

[00:45:23] I don't know what you know.

[00:45:24] Liz moves the mist away with her hand and looks around.

[00:45:27] The gas light flickers, but nothing else moves.

[00:45:30] All is quiet.

[00:45:31] All is still.

[00:45:32] It's a city, Liz says softly.

[00:45:34] Seems like a town.

[00:45:36] An empty city, looks like.

[00:45:38] You reply a little nervously.

[00:45:40] We're the only ones here.

[00:45:41] There are a lot of assumptions.

[00:45:43] Yeah, seriously.

[00:45:44] A metal garbage can falls over with a crash.

[00:45:46] Little colonialist children.

[00:45:47] This is clearly a built structure with a gas lamp, but we must be the first and only ones here.

[00:45:54] A surprised cat wails in the alley.

[00:45:57] You turn in the direction of the noise and scream.

[00:45:59] Liz, look out behind you!

[00:46:01] Liz whirls around and gasps.

[00:46:03] Uh-oh, you're not the only ones here after all.

[00:46:06] Well, duh.

[00:46:07] Hurry to page 94.

[00:46:08] There's at least a cat.

[00:46:08] Yeah.

[00:46:10] The tall, shadowy figure of a man stands in the swirling cloud of mist.

[00:46:14] He wears a dark overcoat and a wide-brimmed hat pulled down over his eyes.

[00:46:19] Freddy Krueger!

[00:46:19] As the fog clears, you see his hands are stretched out in front of him.

[00:46:22] He's reaching for Liz's throat.

[00:46:24] Okay.

[00:46:25] Look out!

[00:46:25] He's going to strangle you!

[00:46:27] I can step back.

[00:46:28] Liz ducks.

[00:46:28] The strangler keeps reaching for her.

[00:46:30] This time you reach for her, too.

[00:46:32] You pull in the opposite direction and start running.

[00:46:34] Are those footsteps behind you?

[00:46:36] Is the strangler following you?

[00:46:37] There's a lot of assumptions about what this person is doing.

[00:46:40] You desperately want to look back, but it might slow you down.

[00:46:43] If you look back over your shoulder, turn to page 50.

[00:46:46] If you keep running and don't look back, turn to page 8.

[00:46:48] Let's look over my shoulder.

[00:46:51] Because you have a meeting soon.

[00:46:54] You glance back over your shoulder to see if the strangler is following you.

[00:46:57] Hey!

[00:46:57] You exclaim with relief.

[00:46:58] You stop running and stare back in amazement.

[00:47:01] He isn't moving.

[00:47:02] From where you're standing, it's obvious that the strangler isn't as scary as you thought he was.

[00:47:06] Is he made out of wax?

[00:47:07] Liz asks breathlessly.

[00:47:08] Yeah, that's what I think you declare.

[00:47:10] Boy, are we stupid.

[00:47:12] Let's go back and take a closer look.

[00:47:14] Truer words are never spoken.

[00:47:15] You run back to the block where the figure still stands with his hand stretched out,

[00:47:21] ready to strangle his next victim.

[00:47:22] Aha!

[00:47:23] Just as you thought.

[00:47:24] He's wax all right, you laugh.

[00:47:25] So far that has not stopped anything, right?

[00:47:28] Right.

[00:47:29] This whole setup is just another scene.

[00:47:31] Liz stops before she gets too close.

[00:47:33] Are you sure he's wax?

[00:47:34] Are you absolutely sure?

[00:47:36] No.

[00:47:37] Go to page 113.

[00:47:38] All right.

[00:47:41] Sure, I'm sure he's wax.

[00:47:42] You laugh.

[00:47:43] Look, I'll prove it.

[00:47:44] I'll put my neck right in his hands, see?

[00:47:47] Okay, so going from assuming that he is...

[00:47:50] This is...

[00:47:51] You know what?

[00:47:51] This is all about making assumptions.

[00:47:53] That's the core lesson here.

[00:47:55] Makes an ass out of you and me.

[00:47:56] Uh-huh.

[00:47:57] Especially you.

[00:48:02] You back up to the wax figure and slide your neck between his outstretched hands.

[00:48:06] For once, one of these wax figures really is just wax.

[00:48:09] To convince Liz, you stand this way for a few seconds.

[00:48:12] Look, you joke.

[00:48:13] He's strangling me.

[00:48:14] Haha!

[00:48:14] Help!

[00:48:15] Very funny, Liz says.

[00:48:16] Okay, okay, you say, giving up the joke.

[00:48:18] He's not really strangling me.

[00:48:19] Who would want to strangle a nice kid like me?

[00:48:21] You start to step forward out of the strangler's hands.

[00:48:24] Warm fingers tighten around your neck.

[00:48:26] You feel the air being cut off.

[00:48:28] You can't scream or talk or breathe.

[00:48:30] Mist surrounds you.

[00:48:31] You feel as though you're floating.

[00:48:32] You can't see a thing.

[00:48:33] Everything is dark.

[00:48:35] Everything is nothing now.

[00:48:37] Oh my god!

[00:48:38] Who would want to strangle a nice kid like you?

[00:48:40] The strangler would.

[00:48:42] That's who.

[00:48:43] That was really...

[00:48:45] Like, I know you died in the last one, but that was fucking dark.

[00:48:48] Yeah, that was a much better death.

[00:48:49] Yeah.

[00:48:49] It's like, you feel nothing now.

[00:48:51] Yeah.

[00:48:52] We are just in time for you to get to your meeting.

[00:48:55] Yeah.

[00:48:55] Thanks for spending your break with me in this closet and with all of us.

[00:48:59] We are looking forward to being back with Who's Your Mummy?

[00:49:03] Yeah.

[00:49:03] And have a happy rest of your 2024, folks.

[00:49:07] We'll see you on the other side.

[00:49:09] Listener beware.

[00:49:10] Those were the scares.

[00:49:11] Good boo.

[00:49:12] Good boo.